Today was my first day back at work after being home for over a year, most of which with my sweet little Finn. It has been an emotional couple of weeks (months) leading up to this day, and today was no exception. Many many tears have been shed lately (poor Jeff) but I did manage to make it through the workday without crying, which was an accomplishment as for most of it, I felt as though I could burst into tears at any moment. I feel not like myself- somewhat off. Actually, thinking back, I have felt like this since I started counting down the days until I had to go back. My heart just isn't in it like it used to be. Or maybe that just takes time. I spent the entire day hoping I would get to go home early so I could rush home and see Finn. He is all that matters to me right now, so being someplace else that needs so much of my heart, patience, energy and genuine commitment seems impossible. I have promised myself I will give it one full month of true trying and see where we are at come May. I'm hoping I can pull myself together and make it work- for all of us. I think I need to genuinely understand that this (as with all things in life) is not permanent. Jeff has been so wonderful in reassuring me that if I am not 100% happy or think I cant be away from Finn that we can reevaluate things and find a new solution. I cant explain how grateful I am for that kind of unconditional love and support. For now, I just need to focus on the time I do get with Finn and look forward to a bit of sunshine. Its funny how a sunny day can make everything just a little bit better. The snow storm we are getting tonight on the other hand...
On a positive note, our new office in Kensington is absolutely beautiful! I am in love with the loads of natural light, the fresh paint colours, dark wood fixtures, running water in the kitchen (long story, but our last office didn't have running water in the kitchen- we had to fill camping style water storage containers with water from the bathroom sink- and then boil it in the kettle to wash the dishes! such a mess!) oh, and my fantastic workspace! I am actually really excited to finish organizing it next week- and of course, add a few pictures of my sweet boys. We are going to make some verticle window gardens (like
these!) and grow herbs in my office which I think will be totally amazing! So, I guess there is a little silver lining to my somewhat sad day.
This helped too.
